


broken words

by milkovichs



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Confessions, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 07:01:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11099349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkovichs/pseuds/milkovichs
Summary: Take a moment to think of just, flexibility, love, and trust.





	broken words

"Ah, don't move.. Just―Just wait."

"You've said that like five fucking times already. It's been 20 minutes, He Tian, get the fuck off of me."

"Wait a moment―"

"―And are you fucking sweating on my shoulder? That's fucking gross! Seriously, get off." Grabbing He Tian's shoulders, Guan Shan harshly pushed him off. 

Guan Shan hated surprises, and He Tian was full of them. Every action and word was something new. But the expression on He Tian's face was something Guan Shan has never seen before. Something he thought he would never see. Something he didn't even know He Tian was capable of doing. He was... _Crying._

"Whoa," Guan Shan said, awkwardly, unsure what to do. He wasn't good with emotions. Especially He Tian's. "Uh, are you crying?" He asked, as if it wasn't fucking _obvious_ enough. 

"No." He Tian's voice was different. That _'I've been crying all night, leave me alone'_ kind of voice.

"Yes, you are!"

"Dust." His hand was over his face, trying his best to cover it.

"He Tian." 

"Don't Close Mountain."

"Don't call me that."

"Sorry, Don't Close Mountain."

"Why are you crying?" He knew he shouldn't be asking. He knew he shouldn't sound like he cared so much, but in all honestly, he did. He's never saw He Tian like this.

"Because I'm a fucking dick, Mo." He replied, more of a whine, and some more tears coming down. 

"He Tian, you're a dick all the time, that's nothing to cry about." Guan Shan joked, but when He Tian didn't laugh, he knew this was serious. 

"I didn't think I'd make it this far."

"What?" His voice was full of confusion, "In school?"

"In your life."

"What the hell are you talking about, dumbass? Are you drunk?"

Startled, and now taking his hand off his face and looking straight at Guan Shan. "What? No! Just―I just. You hate me. I'm horrible to you. I'm a fucking dick to you so of course you hate me! Fuck, you probably despise me. I've done so much shit to you that I can't make up for and I regret it so much. I don't know how you can even stand to be around me. Maybe because I force you. I force you to do things you don't want to, thinking one day you'll actually like it and thank me."

"Why are you saying all this?"

"Because I'm selfish. Okay, Mo? I've done so many bad things to you and the fucked up part is that I thought you'd like it without even asking how you felt before or after. I just―I've never felt this way about anyone. I don't deserve to feel this way, especially the way I treated you. I don't―I don't deserve to have feelings for you because I put you through hell. Okay, Guan Shan? That's it. I―I like you."

"I know."

"Look, I know you think I'm joking but― wait, what? You know?"

"Yeah."

"Since when?" 

"Since you beat up She Li for me."

"So, have you just been leading me on this whole time?"

"Fuck you, like I'd do something like that. I was.. I was afraid, alright?"

"Of what? Me having a crush on you? Does it disgust you that bad? Two guys loving each other?" A moment of silence passed, "It does. Doesn't it?"

"You're putting words in my mouth!" Guan Shan clenched his fist, now yelling. 

"Then speak up, Mo!"

"I was afraid that I'd be in love with you too! There, I said it! You fucking jerk."

"But why would you―"

"Every girl at school is obsessed with you. Shit, maybe even guys and teachers too. My mom got one glance of you and she already loves you. You just―I don't understand you! Why me of all people? Why have a crush on someone like me? A lowlife who gets in trouble at school all the time for stupid shit and barely making money to pay the rent. Why not some cute rich girl who's got her life together? Or maybe even some nice guy. You could have anyone you want, He Tian, but instead, you choose me, and that scares the shit out of me. Because there are times when I look at you and find myself slipping away from the world and just thinking, _'Maybe. Maybe this could work out. Maybe he actually likes me for me,'_ but that's when the fear creeps in. The fear of thinking you'll just use me and throw me out in the future. That's why I always tell you to fuck off. I think it'd be easier to push you away myself then you pushing me away. I'm sorry that it's this way. I'm sorry that I'm this way." And now, Guan Shan was crying too, probably more then He Tian. 

Shocked, dejected, and filled with apprehension He Tian didn't know what to do. For once, in his life, he wasn't sure how to handle this situation. Guan Shan's words really got to him. He Tian felt disgusted at how much he was crying. He never cried. The last time he cried this much was when he was a little kid, when his brother got hurt from saving him when he tried rescuing a dog. How pathetic. Showing emotions was just another excuse for showing weakness, everyone should know that. But seeing Guan Shan like this... Scared, shaking, and tears falling from his eyes just broke him completely. It reminded him of the first time they kissed, how wrecked Guan Shan looked and how much He Tian hated being the cause of it. Instead of using his words first, he used his hands. His actions usually spoke better then his words. He ran his right hand up against Guan Shan's neck, lightly, making the male flinch a bit. Then he moved upwards and ran it through his hair, moving his head closer to his to the point where both of their foreheads were touching. He inhaled, a sigh following after, he didn't want this to end. He wanted to stay in this position. Guan Shan close to him and He Tian glazing in his eyes. It was nice being this close, but time is a bitch. 

"Don't apologize for being you. I don't want you too. I don't want you to push me away, and I promise you I could never push you away either. Guan Shan, I like you, because you're you. You don't think like everyone else does. I could have anyone I want but I want you, Guan Shan, and only you. The only thing I fear is that you'll leave me. That you'll tell me to fuck off but you'll actually mean it one day. Or that I'll go too far and you'll never talk or look at me the same way again. I'm afraid of you, Mo. I'm afraid of these emotions that I didn't even know I had forming instead me. I'm afraid of losing you, forever. I'm afraid you'll forget me."

"I couldn't forget you, even if I tried."

"Of course you could. Everyone is forgettable, replaceable."

"Not you, He Tian. You've become too involved in my life. I.. I'm not even sure what my life was like before you came in it." 

"Well, thanks for dealing with me, even though I'm an asshole."

"Thanks for dealing me even though I'm a shitty person."

"You're perfect, Mo." A sly smile forming He Tian's lips.

"Don't fucking lie." Guan Shan scoffed.

"You're perfect, to me. I love that you're you. I love you."

"Tell me that after I beat you at this basketball game." Guan Shan laughed, getting up, while He Tian did the same.

"I thought your foot was cramped." Guan Shan rolled his eyes.

"Say it."

"What?"

"Say it back."

"Say what?"

"That you love me."

"Why? You creep."

"Not a PDA person, huh?"

"Shut the fuck up, He Tian. It's just.. _Weird._ I've never really said _'I love you'_ to anyone else besides my mom. I think I've said it like twice to my dad. I know it's stupid, I know they're just words, but they mean a lot more then you think."

"So, do you think I've said _'I love you'_ to a lot of people then?"

"I'm sure you've said it to your brother growing up, and maybe to a lot of girls."

" _Wow._ "

"No! No. Not like that. Okay? I just mean―"

"I'm kidding, Mo. Calm down. If you don't want to say it, that's okay. I'll try not to force you to do things you're not comfortable with anymore," He Tian said, grabbing the basketball, "But know this. You're the first person I've said _'I love you'_ too and actually mean't it." And with that, He Tian gave him a small smile, and walked back up to the basketball court. 

A breeze passed, cold and rough. Guan Shan stared at He Tian from a distance. He looked down for a moment and looked backed up, taking a deep breath, and walking up to him.

"I love you, too."

"Thanks."


End file.
